Dealing with my problem

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Dealing with my problem -Catherine's storyI am a 19 year old French girl studying in a business school. I decided to come to Chilcotin Holidays because I wanted a true adventure, but also to improve my English and gain some leadership skills. I knew before coming that it will be one of the hardest experiences in my life but that was the goal.

I had and have a lot of struggle to accept myself, who I really am, not the character I am playing in everyday life. As Ed, the mechanic, said to all the staff one day, you have 3 different you’s; “Me” the public me, the one I show to everybody, “Myself” the one I am with close person and “I” the real me, the one that nobody knows, not even myself. By staying here at the ranch, I start to learn more and more about my 3 me, it was hard to accept this reality. I am a very shy person, who had no self-confidence, and when I am in foreign environment, I feel alone and lose all my leadership skills. If I don’t know my surrounding I feel lost and misunderstood.

When I was young, I was the “happy little girl”. I was doing what I really wanted, classical dance, violin and singing. But at the age of 12 I started to become “boring Catherine”. Why? Because my dream of becoming a professional dancer just disappeared. Being a dancer was my childhood dream, probably the strongest dream that I ever had. Even though I was really young, I trained a lot, I was paying attention to what I was eating to be in good shape, I was watching a lot of ballet on the TV. When I stopped because of some medical diseases, I thought my life was ruined. The same year I stopped singing too. I only continue the violin but it doesn’t bring the same sensation as dancing. I never really turned the page, I couldn’t accept this situation. After that, my only goal was to do good studies and have a good job, but that wasn’t enough to make me happy.

Now I understand why, thanks to the ranch. If you don’t have goals and purpose in life, what do you live for ? Kevan always asks us “what’s your goals and purposes in life ?”. I understand now the importance of that question. I know now that I need goals to be myself, to grow by realizing them. After alot of work these last two last months I think I can say that my actual goals are to discover as much as I can about my surroundings and all the different cultures in the world. I want to experience new things, understand how people live. To reach my goals, I will travel the most that I can, because I feel now the need of sharing this with other people, I want to meet people, like I did at the ranch, interact with them, understand them, learn about them. And because I am kind of introvert, I will need time alone, I will use this time for reading and my research on the others cultures.

By having goals and purpose it’s way easier to work your leadership skills and your self-confidence. I think I am ready to work on that, here at the ranch, in France and during all my next travel.

I won’t say that I know myself, because this is impossible but I can approve that I learned a lot here. I only talk about goals, but I also learned about my physical, emotional, and intellectual capacities, how to deal with problem, taking responsibilities and initiatives during good or tough moments. And I will continue to work on that.

– Catherine, France